LDS Church Public Affairs Wants YOU!

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To: Abbottsville Stake
From: Dennis Newsome, Stake First Counselor and advisor to the Stake Public Affairs Council
Subject: Members needed for LDS Public Affairs

We Mormons have taken some hits lately. First the Romney presidential campaign drew a barrage of questions that stumped LDS leaders, embarrassed members, and rendered the former governor incapable of composing a straight answer. At the same time, we were persecuted by left-wing extremists who claimed that our inspired leaders in Utah had no business telling Californians whom they could marry. Then Hollywood produced a film that exposed the Mormons as the perpetrators of the Mountain Meadows Massacre. -- This after years of the Church successfully blaming the Indians. Add to that, HBO created the hit show, Big Love, based on the false premise that polygamy has been practiced in Utah, and that the Mormons have had something to do with it.

In the wake of this firestorm of negative and unfair press, the Brethren have humbly and prayerfully discussed how the LDS Church can improve its relations with the non-Mormon community, and soften its image to the public. Their solution? Pass the responsibility on to the members, of course. Hence the creation of the exciting new Church Public Affairs Committee. That's right, brothers and sisters, thanks to your inspired leaders, now every member is a publicist!

President Knightly and I are in the beginning stages of staffing our Stake Public Affairs Council. In the meantime, here are some things each and every one of you can do.

Start with your neighbors.
When you see your neighbor in his front yard, don't just ignore him as usual. Say "hi," make small talk, invite him to your house for a church approved, yet sophisticated beverage. (Fizzy water with a lime wedge is nice, as is an attractive service of herbal tea.) Then steer the conversation to church promoting topics, such as your monogamous marriage, or the King James Version of the Bible. Be aware that non-members make friends differently than members, that is, over a period of time, based on common interests, and with no hidden agenda. Quickly find out what he likes to do, learn to do whatever that is, and don't invite him out to church. (Yet.) Also, next time you borrow his power saw, return it.

Share your talents.
We all received gifts in the Pre-Existence, right? Now is the time to tell the world. Don't worry about developing a real talent. Fortunately today's market no longer requires that. Anything that will land you a spot on reality TV should do the trick, such as singing, dancing, an ability to eat things that turn people's stomachs, or a personality so shallow and vapid that others will find you amusing.

Prepare yourself for interviews with the press.
As we become more visible in society, there will be the inevitable inquiries from the media. In anticipation of this, the church has comprised a list of approved journalists who respect our beliefs, share our values, and are not obsessed with the facts. But even the most sympathetic interviewer may not be able to translate our jargon to a non-member audience. What means one thing to us, may mean an entirely different thing to the world. Memorize the following substitutions:
ward  --  local congregation
bishop  --  local ecclesiastical leader
elder  --  19 year old boy
the Lord's university  --  BYU
the Lord's senator  --  Orrin Hatch
the anti-Christ  --  Secretary Clinton
whiny, bitter ingrates -- former Mormons
truth  --  opinion
revelation  --  opinion
testimony  --  opinion
persecution  --  opinion
apologetics  --  lies
prophet, seer, and revelator  --  chief executive officer
church  --  corporation


If you would like to stop receiving these e-mails, we'll assume you need a translator.