Fast and Testimony Mad Libs!

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To: Donna Banta
From: Mark Crawford
Subject: Surviving Fast and Testimony Meeting

Dear Donna,

Mother called last night to tell me that she's visiting the first weekend in November. By now Mother has come to terms with the fact that I live with a man and that I am no longer active in the church. (Only when I told her I didn't think the church was true anymore she responded with, "Oh p-shaw.") Nevertheless, she will no doubt expect Byron and I to do the three hour Sunday marathon with her, including the dreaded Fast and Testimony Meeting.

Upon learning this frightening news, Byron mercifully mixed a pitcher of martinis, and together we created the following "survival game."


Fast and Testimony Mad Libs
I would indeed be  __adjective__  if I didn't stand today and  __verb__  my  __noun__. At this time I would like to publicly thank my Heavenly Father for all my  __plural noun__. 
Lately I have been persecuted by some of my non- __noun__  co-workers. They mock me because I wear sacred  __plural noun__  under my clothes, don't  __verb__  or drink __liquid__,  refuse to have more than one piercing in my  __body part__, won't have  __bodily function__  outside of  __proper noun__ ,  and believe that I can one day become a  __noun__. Finally I drew up my courage and bore testimony of the one and only true  __noun__ . They felt the  __noun__,  and their  __plural body part__  were softened.
I am reminded of my  __cardinal number__   great grandfather who was  __verb__  by an  __adjective__  mob, then forced to cross the plains with nothing more than a  __noun__  and  __noun__. At least he had his faith in  __proper noun__  and a knowledge of the Book of  __humorous fictional character__  to sustain him. 
I know the church is  __adjective__.  I know Joseph Smith was a  __noun__.  I know that Thomas S. Monson is a  __noun__  of  __noun__  who  __verb__  the  church today.
And finally, brothers and sisters, if I have offended any of you,  __verb__  my  __body part__.
In the name of  __your favorite comedian or cartoon character__,  amen.

I testify to you, Donna, that this game, when paired with multiple martinis, is a deeply spiritual experience. Will  see how it compares with the real deal with Mother.
Regards,Mark